=]
8:56 AM
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
It's hard. But it has to be done.
=]
3:38 AM
Friday, October 16, 2015
爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但是我还奋不顾身
可能 在爱里面这样算笨
可能 永远没有所谓永恒
=]
6:37 PM
Monday, October 12, 2015
To some, it probably doesn't even matter. Probably it seems to be like a joke to some. To me, it hurts. It's really fucking painful to me. I even questioned myself if the tatoo was worth it.
I too wished that i won't be awkward and be normal. But i can't. It's killing me. Really. Pretending to be normal is slowly killing me.
I'll just work and exhaust myself to death.
=]
6:06 AM
Sunday, October 11, 2015
It's really hard to pretend like nothing had happened before. I know it's me. I'm sorry. It's driving me nuts too. Maybe the only solution is not to disappear or cut people off but to die. Dying would be a better solution I reckon.
=]
2:09 AM
=]
2:13 AM
Sunday, September 27, 2015
And I asked myself how to move on.
Learning to move on without cutting off from my life.
Learning to move on whilst meeting up regularly; if not monthly.
So hard.
So so so so fucking hard.
Yes. It's bothering me very much. Very very much.
Although I'm fucking tempted to.... but a promise is a promise.
=]
4:41 AM
Saturday, August 29, 2015
I swear i almost fucking lost it. ALMOST.
Am this close to lose few more friends.
=]
8:49 PM
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Do I fucking need to please every single one?
FUCK.
If feelings can be delete as and when I want, I would be a fucking great playboy, finding every single ladies's g-spot without fail.
=]
3:41 AM
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Moving on is not that easy so it may seem to be. Its not helping at all when you constantly have to meet the person. But then, a promise is a promise.
Why did I made that promise even? I don't know. Perhaps it's different this time round. Perhaps.
I got no idea how long this time round it will last. I really got no idea. I too wished, that it was an infatuation. But I think it's just me. Since she is able to pretend that nothing have happened before, why can't I? Why? I thought it was easy to act like nothing have happened before, I was so sure that I can definitely act like nothing have happened before. But I can't. I really can't, It's hard. But who see all these? No one. Except for one of my pals whom he advised me to accept everything like a gentleman but it's not going to be easy, it will never be easy but you still have to swallow it.
I thought it was easy. Ya right. Easier to be said than done. I really can't do it. I really can't. I don't know what's happening nowadays. Every single time when I'm looking forward to meet up, something just have to happen. Is that really the sign to tell me I should really really just let go of everything? Really? Do I really have to let go of every single thing? I know it's easy, just a few click here and there. It's really very tempting for me to do so. Really. But I have a promise to honor, a promise to uphold. A promise that was promised that I won't do anything of such.
There are ups and downs in life. I do not have much expectations in my life but why do I always feel that my life is only full of downs. Am I really such a good friend?
Few knew what really happened. No, few seems to be too much. 2 person. 2 person knew what actually happened. But.. it doesn't matter anymore. I'm really so tired about it, I know I am putting unnecessary thoughts on my mind but what can I do? It's not a shortage of $5 that I can forgo easily. It's what I've done and up till this date, it still asked myself if I should had even done it in the first place.
Things aren't going quite smooth these days. It'll be fine. At least that's what I can try to convince myself. Not everything is within my control, not even my thoughts. I know some things will never be alright anymore, i know.. but at least please let things be alright at home.
I don't know how long more I can last. It's mentally exhausting.
=]
2:05 AM
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Even though it might be a short meet up for a dinner, i'm content.
It's hard for me to really pretend that nothing had happen. It's really hard. I was struggling so much to pretend that I've moved on. So much. But a promise is a promise.
Good night
=]
4:13 AM
Friday, July 17, 2015
As I look back, tears roll down my warm cheek.
I questioned what I've done. I questioned myself what is the significance of what I've did.
It doesn't matter anymore. I just hope that things remains the same. Even though I know it won't be anymore. I'll still try to act like nothing had happened before. I'll try..
=]
3:48 AM
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Things are probably never going to be the same anymore. Never.
Just what have I done.
It's been almost half a year ever since. Or should I say finally half a year has passed by.
I hope history won't repeat itself again. I'm not young anymore.
It's not a "to move on" or "to wait" kind of things. It's... a feeling for someone. If a feeling fades over the time, then what about those who are in marriage? I might be wrong. I hope I'm wrong.
I just need to learn how to lie. I suppose lying is the only solution for what had happened. If by saying "I've moved on" would dissolve or at least make things less awkward, then I suppose I have to do it.
Fuck. I just kinda makes everything worst. From bad to worst. Shouldn't had even studied in the first place. Should had just worked straight away after discharged from National Service. You're the source and the root of all problem Boon Kiat. You are one.
=]
2:08 AM
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Its hard to move on. This time round its hard. Too hard in fact.
I've did something i've never done before. Few knew what i did. Fewer knew the reason behind it. Those who knew asked me if it's worth. I said a "Yes"; without any hesitation.
=]
10:14 PM
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Happy birthday to you.
Even though i was so tempted to wish you on the dot, i didn't. I decided to wait for a bit before wishing you.
Hope you have a blast and good luck for your job hunting.
=]
9:32 AM
Tuesday, June 02, 2015
=]
8:59 PM
Monday, June 01, 2015
Eventually i did told the reason.
=]
8:35 AM
It exhausting. Its really very exhausting. I never imagined that it would be that tough to pretend that nothing had happened. It was harder than i had ever imagined. But i know i have to overcome this. In the past, i would had just cut off and went radio silent and slowly distance myself away. I can't. This time round i can't. She is someone that is so important to me that i really can't cut her off.
In the past, i used to say "as long as she finds her happiness, i'll be happy for her". This simple phrase contains so much of
chivalry. How can one be happy when it actually really happen onto you? I'm certainly not. But i have to accept it with grace and truly be happy for her from the bottom of my heart. That's what a gentleman should do i reckon. It's not easy but i know i have to do it. I must do it.
To be honest, i'm really glad that she acted like nothing had happened before. But i feel that things have changed slightly. Perhaps i'm reading too much into it or i'm just too sensitive to it. But one things is for sure, i can never find such a good friend in my life who is still willing to forgive after what i've done. Even though i know i won't be the one that she will choose to confine in but i'm glad that we are still friends. Thank you for teaching me so much about relationship and friendship. I've really learnt a lot from you. Really. What more can i ask for to have such a great friend and a great teacher.
Is it worth for her to ink myself? I personally think it's worth it. Anything for her is going to be worth it, although she will never know the reason why i've decided to ink myself nor she would see the significance of it or probably she will think that i'm stupid to even do that.
I don't know what the future have stored for me. I know this time round is going to be tough for me to move on. It's sure gonna to be tough. I've never done so much for someone before. Never.
I really wished that i can go back in time and give some thoughts about the consequence of the entire outcome and why the hell would i even want to jeopardize this entire friendship.
An ink to gently remind myself that "This too shall pass" at the back of shoulder to symbolise that i have to let this pass and move on. It's not i have to, i must.
=]
4:03 AM
Sunday, March 01, 2015
Here I am, overlooking Pasir Panjang at the top of the hill, accompanied with cold breeze and yellow bright lights after a near miss encounter.
You know? There are things that I can't say, even if anyone guesses it correctly, I have to deny. I have to deny for the fear of the consequences, for the fear of the reaction. I have to keep everything to myself because I know every single word that I say out may be scrutinized word by word, bit by bit. Perhaps I'm over-thinking but I'm just too afraid to commit the similar mistake again.
There's no one else I can turn to. Everyone around me is facing tough time, everyone have their own untold, unspoken troubles. I don't want to be their burden, to add on to their burden. I want to be the one lightening their burden, making them feeling better.
This is the toughest front that I've put up. In the past, I'll disappear from their life silently. But I told myself, this time round I can't afford to do so. I just can't. This person hold such a significant place in my life even as a friend.
I didn't wanted to post anything related to the incident over at Facebook, I know it will make matter even worst and the situation even more awkward. I might be over thinking but.. Sometimes it's better to not say anything and act like nothing have happened before. It's hard, I know it's hard. But I have to. This is the only way that I can think of to salvage this whole situation.
Every single night I've been pondering about what I had done. Why did I do that when I know I'll be jeopardising our friendship. I have to say, I really did regret for what I've done.
I'm really sorry for all my actions. I didn't really gave much thought about it, let alone the consequences. I really hope everything will be back like how it was in the past. I'm trying. I'm really trying to not make things more awkward, trying to act like nothing have happened before. I'm not sure how long it will take. It will take some time. But I'll do it. I'll have to do it.
=]
3:54 AM
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
There's so much that I want to say. So much that I wished I could be able to let it all out.
But I know I can't. Facebook is no longer a place for me to rant out all my feelings. I don't wish things to be awkward between us. I've just decided to remain on radio silent on Facebook, feigning as though everything has never happened before.
Perhaps in the past, I've said things I shouldn't had said.
What's done has been done.
I would be lying if I hope that we remain as friends. But I mean, feelings can't be forced. Right now I don't even know a single thing of what's going on in her life, except that it's complicated.
I know waiting will never get any things done. But are there any other alternatives....?
=]
2:31 AM
Thursday, February 05, 2015
When you begin to have the fear of losing someone, then you realise how much you love the person.
It wasn't suppose to happen. It really wasn't suppose. But it did, and the fear of losing came to me, hitting me hard.
=]
3:58 AM
Thursday, January 29, 2015
This feeling is so conflicting. I can't believe I've sat down and had a thought about it until now. I seriously feel that I've the need to get this off my mind and the only way I can do it is to pen it down over here where every one thought that I've left this space unattended.
So here goes.
I'm so afraid to commit the same mistake again. Which I believe I will. Well, probably I think I did commit the mistake; AGAIN. Looks like emotion isn't that easy to control after all. I always thought I've done a good job in drawing the line, feeling so confident that I'll never cross the line and having my emotion well under controlled. Unfortunately, I realised that it was all staged. So much of what I've attempted to do is all staged. A cleverly build stage that was orchestrated by my brain to lie to myself that eventually led me to live in denial and denying my feeling, telling myself that never in this life it will be her as I've clearly drawn the line apart for myself.
So much so that I even attempted to force myself into liking someone else, forcing myself to be infatuated with someone else. Trying to not think about it and attempted to move on with others. Well, it was so naive of me thinking that it would work. Apparently it didn't.
I don't deny. I've been conjuring scenes in my mind all these while. But I'm sure the chances of all those scenes becoming reality is practically never going to happen. I don't wish to lose a good friend, unless by losing it, I gain the trust of someone that allow me to take care of them, that I won't mind.
To try or not to try.
=]
11:27 AM
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
At times, it's really quite tiring and heartbreaking, to tell people that I've given up on relationship. It's a façade that I have to put on whenever conversation topic slowly drift into marriage and relationship.
I didn't give up on relationship to be honest, I just gave up on myself.
I know I have to stand up back again when I fall down, otherwise I'll be at the same spot, not learning anything. But I'm afraid, I'm afraid to fall back down again when I'm back up again.
It definitely can be argued that the desire for it is not as much as I wanted because the amount of effort that I put in is mediocre. But who would see the other side of the mediocre efforts that I put in, who you see the fear of failing again beneath the mediocre efforts that I've shown.
=]
1:34 AM
Tuesday, January 06, 2015
I've broke my norm this year.
I tend to write a lengthy post to recap the summary of the year, what had happened, the highlights, the ups and downs of the whole year.
2014 was indeed a huge milestone in my life. Finally gotten my bachelors degree, something that I won't even dare to think about it when I failed my O level. Perhaps this is what people always says, without failure, you'll never be successful.
Unfortunately the success was short-lived. Gotten a job that wasn't my first choice. Never really liked it. Got no idea how long can I last.
I would also love to thank those whom remembered my birthday. The amount of the people who remembered by birthday may be pathetic, but if not for them, it would had been worst.
Thank you all of you.
I guess that sums up my 2014.
=]
12:40 PM
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Sometimes, putting your best doesn't mean it's good enough. I mean, perhaps I should put it in this way, it's all about working smart and not working hard.
Took the leap of faith yesterday. Not sure if the results would turn out to be good. Perhaps at the end of the day, I'm the kind of person that would thrive in my own comfort zone. At this age and I'm still sort of clueless of what I'm looking for is kinda of worrisome.
Mid 20s crisis I reckon.
=]
8:35 PM
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Can't blame anyone but myself, for not fighting hard enough for my own happiness. You know? Actually, to be honest, I did try. But probably I just gave up half way through.
=]
3:24 PM
Monday, July 14, 2014
Entering into adulthood isn't that easy as it may seems to be. Perhaps I'm still not matured enough to embrace this transition. To be dead honest, it's demoralizing.
Friend have told me, it's gonna be demoralizing while you are hunting for jobs. Until then, I wasn't able to relate his feeling that he was trying to let me know until I personally in the dire situation myself. Especially you see the job opening being advertised again few days after your interview.
I know there are few that are waiting for me to fail. I know. Don't worry, I won't and even if I do, I will make a come back again. At times I wonder if it's because of jealousy. But then again, what can I even do about it? I worked hard to get my diploma, I worked hard to earn my bachelors and this is what I get?
You decide your own life. You do what you deem it's good for you and so I did. I can't stop how others think about me. I can't control how people wants to think about me. The fact is that everyone have their own choice and that results in consequence. My diploma and bachelors doesn't just appear overnight. You can be jealous but at the end of the day, neither one of us will reap nor benefit anything out of this. It's my life, my achievement, my hard earned bachelors.
=]
1:34 AM
Saturday, June 28, 2014
All i can say is, graduation is over rated. Well, at least for me. Perhaps it's the job hunting part segment that caused me to feel it that way. After so many years of education, you finally realized why everyone seems to say that "studying is the best time of your life ever". Finally I can't help but to agree with this statement.
Life goes on. A step by a step. Hopefully there will be some results soon.
=]
10:16 PM
Friday, April 11, 2014
I guess it's just me being me again.
=]
4:28 AM
Thursday, April 10, 2014
总要流下多少泪滴 才能看清楚自己 一颗痴心 一段赤情
=]
5:19 AM
Monday, April 07, 2014
I think it's better to stay away and keep a distance before it's too late. I don't wish to go all to way and let history repeat itself once more, or am I all the way in already? I don't know. I don't wish to know either.
I'll be there if you need someone. Well, that's if you ever needed someone. I know I won't be the first person that you'll look for if you need help or a pair of listening ears. Well, I guess I don't deserve anyone to be nice to me, let alone loving me. I've done too many bad deed, accumulated too many bad karma under my belt already.
I know. I understand. Nothing will change if I do nothing about it. Nothing will magically happen overnight. I know if I don't anything about it, I'll end up losing another chance again. Right... Then again, I don't think I have any chance to start with right? Ah~ Oh well, what's new? Plato would be very proud of me for being such a wonderful believer and follower of him; Platonic Friendship. Probably Socrates will be proud of me as well.
Love; what is it? To love or to be loved? A question that I often ask myself. Is it all about giving and expecting nothing in turn or is it experiencing someone being there and caring for you. Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I over think too much. Perhaps this is modern friendship. Perhaps I should realize that all this 'love' stuff will never happen on me. The sooner I realize this, the faster I'll grow.
Perhaps... This is not my type of game. I don't know what a girl want. I don't know how to woo a girl. There is so many things that I don't know what to do. Ah! There is something I realised that I'm damn good at it; waiting. The most easiest and effortless thing to do. Which is, nothing will come out of waiting. Nothing. Then again, I am so afraid of trying again, so afraid of failing again, so afraid of losing another friend, so afraid of everything. So afraid of every single fucking thing.
Well, part of me felt that what the future that might had stored for you is uncertain. Yes, it is uncertain. Uncertain with a good and happy outcome or uncertain with another same ending like before. No one knows. Probably only god knows.
All those fairytale statement about finding the right one, about finding real love seems to be so "fabricated". Then some people would say that it's not all about finding the right on but having the amazing, unexplainable connection with the person that is down to stick it out with you throughout your journey. I'm sure we all know connection requires 2 agreeing partner in order to allow the connection to be established right? So what's the point if one party feels the connection whilst another one just simply doesn't feel that connection? Then some would say you will know she is the one when you are dying, in the face of death and while you have that last few moments to reflect back on your life, you will then see the "one" that actually took the life journey with you. Isn't that too late to find out that after spending all this years with someone and few moments before you pass away and you realized that it was another girl instead of your wife?
I foresee myself when I pass away, there will be only my Ducati and my M5 accompanying me. That is if I even managed to earn my bucks and buy it.
I'll stop loving. I'll stop.
=]
3:13 AM
Saturday, February 08, 2014
I don't know why but this final semester I feel like I'm very complacent. I can't remember the module code. I mix up the day of my lectures. I'm not checking out the assignments like how I did.
This is real scary.
Well, on the hindsight. I think I've move on? Ah well, why am I thinking about all this again.
=]
10:13 AM
Friday, January 03, 2014
It's 2014.
Something to look forward to?
Probably not?
Hopefully I can end my educational tour before the 2nd half of the year. Time to fulfill filial piety is running out.